Sometimes it is ok to listen to Stevie Wonder and cook dinner wearing your ex-boyfriend’s oversized White Stripes tshirt and not wear any pants. It’s especially ok to do this if no one else is home, but sometimes you have to be prepared for people to walk in the door. And then you just go with it. This happened to me today, and I can’t say this is the first time I’ve been caught pantsless in my own house. I suppose it’s the best place to be caught pantless, however.
I rode my bike all over the place today because it was sunny and warm, so I was ready for a yummy creation to enter my digestive system this evening.
Hope you had a great Sunday!
Jerk Chicken, Crispy Garlic Brussel Sprouts, and Sweet Potatoes
Jerk Chicken:
marinate chicken for about 10 minutes in:
orange juice, lime juice, green onions, garlic, and jerk seasoning (I got mine from penzey’s).
grill until finished. YUM.
Sweet Potatoes
I absolutely love sweet potatoes. I chop ‘em up real small, sprinkle them with olive oil, brown sugar, and nutmeg, and saute the crap out of them. I like them a little crispy, so I usually cook covered on low heat to soften them and then blast them with some high heat the blacken the oustide.
Crispy Garlic Brussel Sprouts
You guys. These are my favorite thing. I would be lying if I told you that I had eaten brussel sprouts before last week. What have I been thinking?! Donna (my mother) must not have liked them, because I never ate them as a kid and for some reason or another have never ventured into their neck of the woods.
One time, in college, my friend Dave got really wasted and somehow injured himself. I can’t remember the source of his injury, but he came home and put a bag of frozen brussel sprouts on his face, and passed out until the next morning. Because his first aid service was performed under the influence of 14 or so beers, he had totally forgotten about the brussel sprouts entirely, especially because they had slipped between the wall and his bed, sinking to the floor below. Weeks later, Dave was disturbed by an interrupting odor in his room, only to find what I presume was the grossest underbed vegetable situation to ever have happened.
Now that I have shed some repugnant light on the ol’ brussel, how about I tell you how to cook them really awesomely?
Put some butter and crushed garlic in a large sautepan, and melt. Place halved brussels, face down, and cook on medium heat until they are brown and amazing. I usually flip them over for another minute or two to make sure that they are cooked all the way through. Voila! Veggie masterpiece.
Sheesh. It’s been a while, no?
Here’s the thing. I tend to blog in spurts. I blog a whole bunch, and then I don’t blog for about ten months until someone pesters me to get back on the bandwagon (ahem…Mindy Edelson you jerk).
The worst part about it is that I create amazing foodstuffs like errrrry single day. Ok there might be some times when I eat cereal for dinner or a grilled cheese because I had a long day, but a lot of the days I’m in the kitch just dancing to Beyonce and doing my thing.
On Mondays, a bunch of girls pile into our living room to watch the lower echelon of society compete for true love/fame on the Bachelor. Beforehand, my pals Megan and Kim come over and I teach them how to cook. It’s all just so great because we make some great things.
This week, I decided to re-try pad thai. I tried it once but the recipe I used was dumb, and it ended up tasting too fishy (because of the fish sauce). But here’s the thing- I love pad thai. I know it’s probably nothing like what you get in actual Thailand (I will find out some day), but more like the kind that you get at an american restaurant with goldfish in the foyer and little bottles of Kikkoman adorning the tables. Either way, I love what America has presumably done to a thai staple, and recreating it at home was very exciting.
In all reality, this took only 20 minutes to make. Weird, huh? We actually have a wok at our house too, which is great.
So how about you go and make yourself some pad thai, ok jerks?
Pad Thai Amazingness
for the pad thai you need:
1 package of udon noodles
scallions
eggs
lime
1 handful of crushed peanuts
1 bunch of cilantro
2 chicken breasts
1 bag mung bean sprouts
for the sauce:
tamarind paste (find it at any asian market or whole foods)
brown sugar
soy sauce
siracha
Start with your mise en place, which is a term I just learned that means “get your shit ready because cooking can be fast and crazy sometimes”
1. Cut up your chicken into tiny bite-sized pieces.
2. Slice your scallions into rounds.
3. Chop your cilantro
4. Crush your nuts. Peanuts.
Prepare your sauce: In a saucepan, add about 4 tablespoons of tamarind paste, 1/3 cup sugar, 1/4 soy sauce, 1 tbsp siracha, and 1/4 cup water. I started from there, and adjusted my sauce from there. It should be….uh….sweet, salty, and spicy. Just play around with it. Bring to a quick boil, and reduce the heat to low and keep warm.
Cook your noodles:
Just follow the directions on the bag. My bag said to boil for 13 minutes, but I think they’re a bunch of liars because the noodles felt ready in about 7. Drain, and RINSE with cold water (or else they get real starchy and weird). Set aside.
Heat your wok or frypan:
Use high heat and about two tablespoons of oil. Toss in the chicken and about a tablespoon of your sauce, and cook the chicken until it’s done. Toss in the mung bean sprouts and scallions, and then your drained noodles. Add about 4 tablespoons of the sauce again, and mix everything up really well. Push everything to the side, and crack and egg on the bottom of the pan. Let sit for about 15 seconds, and then fold into the rest.
Literally, then you are done. No really. It’s that easy.
Top with cilantro and chopped peanuts, and squeeze a wedge of lime on there.
Good luck, or as they say in Thailand…..Good Luck!*
*I obviously don’t know Thai and am too lazy to google. Get over it.
This meal was really exciting for me, because I have been wanting to use fennel for quite some time now (I’m a fennel virgin, can you believe it!?).
Fennel is like heroin - people always want to try it but are worried it will mess up their entire experience. Except fennel just ruins a meal and heroin ruins your entire life. I guess the fennel-heroin analogy was a bit off but, as you can see in the background of the photo, our school librarian convinced me to read a tween novel so sometimes things are just a bit weird today, and I suppose one could say that that’s what makes life exciting.
So yes. I took two risks today: I used a new plant in my cooking practice, and I’m about to read a book written and geared for people wearing skinny jeans and getting their first periods. It’s fine. Life is about risks, you guys.
Tortellini with Italian Sausage, Fennel, and Spinach
1 bulb fennel, sliced thin
2 links of italian sausage (I used “hot” because I’m a renegade)
1 handful tortellini
1/4 cup cream
3/4 cup chicken broth
1/4 cup shredded parmesan
First, sautee your fennel and sausage in a pan with a little evoo until golden brown, about ten minutes.
While that is happening, boil your tortellini until they float, which means they are done.
Next, add your garlic and mush it around the pan for a minute or two. Turn down your heat to medium, add your cream, then your chicken broth, and stir until completely mixed. Add your cheese to melt, throw in your spinach and mix until wilted. Toss in your tortellini and stir to coat it with that amazing sauce situation you just created. VOILA! Easy weeknight meal that is awesome in the mouth area.
This was really great because the fennel adds a peppery bite, the sausage really heats things up, and the sauce is super comforting. Next time I might add some julienned red peppa up in there for both color and a hint of sweetness.
Speaking of Peppa, let’s please take a moment of silence to acknowledge the amazing impact that Peppa has had in our modern culture. Bitch knows some shit, am I right?
(if we’re being honest though, Spinderella was always my favorite. Don’t tell Pep.)
I spent the weekend imbibing and celebrating my birthday with some wonderful Colorado friends. Sometimes I get stressed because my extroverted self always wants MORE MORE MORE when it comes to friends in Denver. I’ve only lived here three years so I can’t expect to have a huge posse, but Saturday made me realize that I’ve done a pretty good job of corralling a sweet gang of assholes to spend my time with. I also have some friends that drove all the way up from Telluride to hang, which is super radical and outstanding.
So if you are one of those people who spent Saturday night celebrating my nearing entry into the second 1/3 of my life, thanks a whole bunch. I think you’re great*.
Unfortunately, birthday weekend also equals eating a bunch of shit, so I thought I’d start the week with a salad. The problem is - I can’t justify eating a salad when it’s super cold outside. I thought I’d create a combination that’s simple and hearty but would, by nature, be light enough to counteract the gallons of tequila and pounds of white cake I consumed in the last 72 hours. The tequila was fun though, and the cake was quite worth it. My pal Nate activated his sense of humor and ordered a confectionery masterpiece with a super special message. When the woman at the store asked if the cake was a birthday cake, he had to say…well, it’s more of an APOLOGY cake. See photo above.
Arugula Steak Salad with Mustard Vinegrette (for an almost birthday girl)
Skirt steak, grilled and cubed
goat cheese crumbles
slices of granny smith apple
slices of onion (woulda done red but I only had white)
for the dressing, mix the following in a bowl:
1.5 tbsp mustard
2 tbsp olive oil
splash o’ worchestershire
1 tbsp white wine vinegar
black pepper
a tbsp of lemon juice
*Except for you Luke Brown, you’re dead to me and always have been.
I recently promised my friend Justin that we would cook together so alas, we set out to make some weeknight gnocchi. After work we showed up at his house at the same time, and went into the kitchen to unload the materials. As I pulled out the potatoes, he said “oh shit, we’re MAKING the gnochhi. Damn.”
If you are going to make some gnocchi with your friend Justin, please make sure that he’s had the appropriate after-work snacks or his hunger will impede the necessary patience that pasta-making requires. I’m not saying it’s his fault that the gnocchi was a bit lumpy and off texture because we rushed the potato cooking, but I’m not going to not say it’s his fault either.
Firstly, you need to boil 4 medium potatoes. Boil the shit out of them. Don’t cut them up, ya heard? If you cut them up, water will penetrate into the potato and water is the downfall of gnocchi. If you need any gnocchi gnowledge, you need that. (See what I did there with that spelling? That’s grammatical humor.)
While your potatoes are boiling, you can make some easy sauce. In a saucepan, saute some garlic cloves (4) in some olive oil. Add three tablespoons of basil pesto, and dump about 1 cup of heavy whipping cream. Mix, and set on low until you’re ready to pour it on your gnocchi. But we aren’t there yet so “hold your fucking horses”, as my mother Donna would say.
After your potatoes are done boiling, which takes near eternity, you need to mash the shit out of them. You might be asking yourself “I wonder what implement would best suit this task?” The answer is: not a whisk. Justin tried to convince me that whisk-smashing the potatoes would work (see above), but I thought it was more appropriate for him to stick to the cocktail section of the evening.
Once your potatoes are smushed completely (no lumps), cool them to room temperature. Once they’re done chilling, dump 2 egg yolks and 3/4 cup flour on top of the potatoes. Kneed for a few minutes until everything is combined, but please laaaawd don’t overknead ‘em. Once you’ve got a handsome dough ball, pull off lemon-sized handfuls, roll ‘em into a snake, and cut that little snake into pieces (see picture). You can roll the gnocchi down the tongs of a fork to make some indentations (for the sauce to stick), or leave them be.
Once your little dudes are ready, plop them in HOT ASS BOILING WATER until they float (1 or 2 minutes). Pull them out, put them in a bowl, and cover in sauce. Eat.
We didn’t take any pictures of the final product because the gnocchi turned out to be not-so-great due to undercooking the potatoes and trying to microwave them the rest of the way (rookie mistake), but again I’m not not blaming Justin’s hunger pangs/whines. I felt a sense of urgency since he had consumed upwards of 13 fun size whopper packages at this point, and I was worried that his halloween leftover binge would result in a trip to the emergency room if I didn’t produce gnocchi…and fast.
It actually wasn’t terrible as far as kitchen disasters are concerned, but the gnocchi I made a few months back was delicious so I know it’s possible for you to make some righteous potato dumplings. It’s okay, we’ll try again, right Justin?
In summation, I learned that you can’t rush perfection. I also learned that Justin makes a mean tequila sunrise.
Sometimes when you set out to cook something, it turns out all wrong but is still delicious. When I started cooking this situation above, I had this vision of these perfect likee couscous-filled eggplant rolls, topped with this rich tomato sauce. , Rolling the eggplant ended up being too laborious so i ended up stacking the eggplant and smushing things in between. Sometimes you get good things from being lazy. This is a perfect example.
Eggplant Couscous Something-or-Another
Eggplant, sliced in 1/4 inch pieces, grilled.
1 cup cooked couscous
handful of spinach
dijon mustard
4 garlic cloves, diced
balsamic vinegar
1/2 small red onion, diced
1 can fire roasted tomatoes
shredded mozz
In a saucepan, saute your garlic and onions. Once the onions are translucent, add your can of tomatoes, some spice (s&p, oregano, basil), and about 2 tbsp of balsamic vinegar. Simmer until fragrant, and toss in the spinach until wilted.
I smothered my eggplant in a mixture of dijon, balsamic, and oil and grilled it. I threw the cheese on top of the eggplant while it was still sitting on the grill.
Once everything was finished, I threw it all together and voila! A delectable something-or-another.
It’s fall time, which means I can return to the kitchen to cook! What a perfect way to jump into fall with curry cheddar chicken turnovers. These things are the jam, and the pictures up there don’t do them justice. I was way too lazy when I made them so they didn’t turn out pretty. I was in a rush, ok? Sometimes you have to cook and then leave the house for cocktails and you don’t have the time to delicately form the dough into a perfect little turnover. Priorities.
Here’s what you will need:
1 sweet potato - cubed, cooked, and smashed
1 chicken breast - cubed, cooked,and cooled
1/4 cup frozen peas, lima beans, snow peas, broccoli - whatever
1/2 cup sharp cheddar, shredded
3 scallions, chopped
curry powder
1.5 cups flour
salt
1 stick of cold-ass butter, cut into tiny pieces.
Start by preheating to 375.
Mix together the sweet potato, chicken, peas/veggie, cheese, scallion, curry, and s/p in a bowl.
Get out your food processor and pulse the shit out of the flour and salt, cutting in the butter. After the butter is blended, stream in about 1/4 cup cold water. Add water until the dough ball comes together and starts rolling around in there. Once finished, divide the dough into 3 balls and roll them out into circles on a floured surface. Place 1/3 of the filling in the center, and fold over the dough to make a little half moon thingy. Press the sides with a fork or your fingers, slam them on a baking shet, and bake 25-30 minutes. Oh and don’t forget to poke a hole in the top so steam can escape.
Savoring the last few breaths of summer.
(BBQ chicken, sweet potato fries, and the oh so lovely artichokes).
Happy labor day, assholes!
dipping sauce for artichokes:
1 stick butter
1 garlic clove, mashed
juice from half a lemon
1 tsp herbs de provence (say that part with a snooty french accent)
- melt that shit togetha.
Sometimes you need a go-to.
Whether it’s a go-to shampoo that makes your hair super fly, or a go-to person you call when shit hits the fan - seeking comfort in the familiar can often create unparalleled happiness.
It’s kind of like when I go to Dairy Queen. I spend ten minutes staring at the menu trying to decide what I want, even though I always end up ordering my go-to. When I was 15 and was slinging DQ fare, I hated when customers would stare at the menu forever. I was like “Hey. I’m 15 and hate everything and you’re taking too much time. You know you’re just going to order the same stupid peanut butter cup blizzard you always do, so suck a dick and place your order so I can go. It’s the end of my shift and my parents are here to pick me up.”
I always end up with a medium vanilla cone dipped in cherry cone dip. Every.single.time. I know that DQ is kind of white trash and I also know that the cone dip is like, 87% wax or some other weird petroleum byproduct. I know these things, but that choice is my DQ go-to.
Every time I think about getting a new toothpaste, I have a hard time deciding and go with the ever-trusted Tom’s of Maine spearmint flavor.
I go out to eat with friends every Friday as my go-to activity.
I’m a creature of habit, I suppose.
One of my go-to meals is this salad, which is always amazing and familiar and easy. If I were to look at the calendar, I’d assume it’s been 3.5 months since we were all begging for the warmer temperatures of summer. We were looking forward to dining al fresco, swimming, riding bikes, or sitting in the park in the warm sun. Or maybe we were just sick of freezing our asses off. At this point in August, we’re all at the point where those benefits of summer no longer outweigh the sweaty backs. In our household (which has no AC), I can no longer stand the radiating heat pouring from the kitchen when I try to cook ANYTHING. I mean, you make a piece of fucking toast in our kitchen and you might as well have turned the thermostat to 1000 or set the couch ablaze. As summer winds down and I dream of making indian food and casseroles and roasting vegetables and making anything that involves butternut squash or pumpkin, I’m still careening around the heat obstacles. And this is why my go-to salad has proved perfect, yet again.
GO-TO STRAWBERRY SALAD
1 handful baby greens or spinach (or a mixture of both)
feta
red onion, sliced thin
slivered almonds
julienned red pepper
sliced strawberries
diced grilled chicken (smothered in pesto because…well..because I made it).
dressing of your choosing. My personal favorites are Green Goddess or the fancy strawberry balsamic/basil olive oil combo. Ranch is fine too, because this is ‘Merica.
Well shit. I’ve gone and done it. I used my cooking abilities and my intellect, married them in a blessed union, and created the smartest god damn thing on the planet.
As you read before, I’m a 13-minute morning person. I leave 13 minutes to get ready and not even a second more, which obviously means that there is no cooking time involved in my morning routine. I usually come hard on some cereal, or toast with pb/raisins/cinnamon. Or in the winter I eat the shit out of steel cut oats (wait for recipes this winter!). Oh and I also eat greek yog with berries and granola.
But honestly, I hate all of those things right now. I’m so sick of them. SO SICK OF THEM.
School started last week, which means it’s time to start dropping some knowledge on my breakfast situation. In a perfect world, I’ve had a personal chef make me some sort of eggs in the morning because high-protein is a MUST if you know anything about feeling good and satisfied all day. I can’t do the sugary breakfast thing because it makes me hungry in an hour and also gives me a bellyache. Things like Captain Crunch and muffins are worth about as much as a handful of kitty litter for my morning meal - generally unpleasant.
So, knowing that protein is a must - what did I think of? What did I decide to do? Make some mini-stratas. And freeze them. And thaw them for whenever I need a quick fix in the morning on the way out the door. Shit, you guys.
Mini-Breakfast Strata for a protein boost
Step 1: Saute some veggies. Anything you got. I used a little red pepper, white onion, yellow squash, half a potato, and spinach. And some garlic. In another pan, brown some bfast sausage.
Step 2: Lube up some muffin tins with olive oil.
Step 3: chop up some bread (I used heels because only social deviants choose to eat this part of the loaf) into tiny cubes and line the bottom of the tins with it.
Step 4: Toss in your veggies. Toss in your sausage. (that’swhatshesaid).
Step 5: In a medium bowl, mix a bunch of eggs (I made 24 strata and used about 12 eggs), a dash of s/p, nutmeg, cayenne pepper, paprika, and italian herbs. Beat with some milk.
Step 6: Pour your eggy liquid until the tins are ALMOST full. Not all the way or it’ll overflow, ya heard?
Step 7: Sprinkle some queso up on there. I used some leftover crap we had from something else, but a sharp white cheddar or gruyere would be bonertime if I had it around.
Step 8: Bake for about 15 minutes at 350. I checked on them around 10 minutes, and had to rotate the pans because our oven is so old that it’s basically the equivalent of cooking on a half-hot campfire.
Step 9: Remove from oven. Freeze. Microwave when you need them. OHMYGODBREAAAAAKFASTISSOSERVED.
(Source: unconventionaltablemanners.com)
